I heard “Love the way you lie” (Rhianna & Eminem) playing on a pandora station…It’s the first time I’ve heard the song since…
I am a survivor. I am an example.
I was a fiance.
I was a new comer, to a new city,
Until it happened.
And in that moment I became everything I swore I never was… And everything I swore I would do, I didn’t.
No one ever plans on becoming a statistic. Hearing the music again, I knew it was time. Time to bring forward my testimony… on my blog. The path of how I got to becoming a survivor was one that wasn’t cloudy with major red flags – you’d have to be trained in understanding manipulation and covert behavior of a… keenly aware person, to understand my personal path. If you weren’t in his blitzkrieg path, you’d know him to be a completely sane person. Who I was introduced to, was not the person I got to know. Sadly though, I played along with the façade. Breaking communication with those closest, perpetuating the lies, “handling” the stress. After all, he was hurt from life and situations…and we’d “both” done things to each other…no relationship was perfect and this was our path forward. Couples made it out of this abyss that we were in. And mostly he was committed to moving forward, mostly. The sway from “you hate me Green,” to “I’ve never experienced love this deep, Green” was just crazy enough to keep me pegged. Well okay, not JUST that. It was the balance of pride and shame.
Who abused me was a skilled psychiatrist. He treated mental diseases… So he knew precisely how to take advantages of the cracks in my mental foundation. We all have things that make us tick, insecurities and secrets that we give to trusted friends and lovers. He knew what poses were both to me (friend and lover). And it wasn’t until after he put a ring on it, that I really got to see who he was. After walking away from everything; after reaching the lowest point of my life, ever, I vowed that peace is the only thing that I would remain faithful to. I vowed that I would love me over any and everything, even if that meant hurting someone else in the process.
“Just gonna stand there and hear me cry…well that’s all right….” This song represents to me, every lie I ever told and every feeling I ever felt. After becoming a victim, I decided I had to survive. I had a lot of help from people I got to know in my weakness. And in my weakness I found out that God truly was my strength. Though I was paranoid, scared, broken emotionally and financially from paying fees, bitter and hurt, I knew I had to claw and climb forward. I had to make amends with what happened and somehow find my way forward. So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. I made amends with people I had severed ties with – or tried my best. I wrote a book, “Letters to my future.” And one day, I hope people use it as a guide to get over the feelings one has when everything they knew of self is ripped to shreds, and somehow, they have to piece themselves together again.
“If you try to leave again, I’ll f*n set this house on fire.” They say the average woman leaves 7 times before she finally really and truly leaves. 4th’s time the charm for this one. I left 4 times before I finally LEFT… like got my ish and left. April 9th. It was the best breath of air I’d ever had. And I had the life threats… I didn’t like bodies of water for a while… Had a bad experience. And it’s amazing that I don’t look like what I’ve been through. I hear all the lines that I believed…”it was my fault…maybe our love is just too intense…maybe this is just what our love looks like…” And I shake my head, sad for every lesson I learned the hard way.
But I’m proud too. There are fewer ways a person can be broken…when they’re broken mentally, physically and emotionally, by a person they loved. You can’t explain that one away, readily. If it was a random act of violence, you can say the person was sick/twisted, etc. When it’s someone who’s taken the time to know you, taken time to “understand” you, taken time to walk with you through some time – how do you explain that?
How do you explain to the family watching, why you choose to slow dance in a burning room? How do you elaborate on the question of “he hit you in the face?” “And then you were together after that?”
How do you tell people that you can erase your mind from your heart?
It’s a perfect tragedy. Yet, from the ashes, a phoenix rose. From the mud, a lotus emerged. From the fall, callouses and scabs were formed. From the break, understanding was gained. From the pain, strength was found. From the lies, truth was found. From the emptiness, silence was broken.
I am a survivor.
I flirted with the most dangerous thing in my life, believing the hype that I was fed. I turned away from the God I knew, to serve the god of the relationshi.t I was in. The thing that broke me (down 35 lbs from stress to a size 1 at 5’8), was the very place I found more strength then I ever knew I had. And every dream I’d thought about compromising, I held onto with steel grips. I look back with icy glances. The posts since I started writing here sometimes talked about the difficulty in being a survivor. The difficulty in changing my mindset. Only through the hope created by God, did I imagine myself as different. Only through his forgiveness and love did I imagine that someone could love me in spite of being “damaged” in ways that might make me react in a “crazy” way… You never know what a person has been through, so be mindful that what you experience may not be what it truly is. I thank God in heaven for every friend who walked with me through my transition. I didn’t get into any serious relationships post the Nut. I had friends and even then, I would see all the ways my mind was still guarded. None of those really had lasting power anyway. People you accept in the rebound aren’t the people meant to propel you into destiny…. I’m Michelle to his Barack – So I can’t possibly get there being a Demi to his Ashton… or worse a Kim to his Kris… ijs..
“I love the way you lie…” It took almost 2 years to 100% get over it all. There were no ribbon parades inside. No marked day of defeat…but I’m different. And I’ll never be the same. And that’s okay. I’m better. 🙂
[RB… I didn’t plan on writing this, but I guess between the music & the request…. meh.. (: ]