“Damn Green… she dun changed…eva since her and the Nut she ain’t neva been the same…”
To that I say: Damn Straight.
There are things in life, which define who you become.
Things like the experiences you have during childhood which shape and model you into your adult persona… the people you run into or the situations that floor you, throughout life.
- All things, capable of (re)defining who you “thought” you were.
We’ve all had them. Things which challenged us to the very core of who we were. And in the process of “getting back,” perhaps we don’t go quite the same way that we took to get off our weathered path. Maybe we take a short cut, or, maybe we look at who and where we were, and decide that we don’t desire to be there, anymore.
Either way, we are…changed. How do these situations, affect our worlds?
For my world, most just realized that something was drastically off. Most didn’t know where to begin. Those who may have known, tried in their own way. Eventually, I got onto the business of getting back to normal.
So when that happened, what changed? What changed for some to be able to say the statement above, Green?
For me, I went through a sine wave of change. Some months I was up and going, other days I was down and just sort of stalled. I appreciate my friends who walked with me through the process. Allowing me to vent when I needed to vent; not judge me for who I was morphing out of, and into (lol); and who simply rode with my emotion. We all need a friend who you can call and “tell ’em why you mad son!” hahaha (Good times!)
Anyway, being in the process of reflecting, I realized that, perhaps what I longed for most, from the people who I feel I now know the least, was some of the things I got best, from the friends who walked with me. I know, I entered GreenSpeak.
By that I mean this: The people who knew me the best (my friends), and who supported me in the most effective ways (walking with me), gave me the freedom to change, while providing the steadiness of their friendship. If everything in one’s life is chaotic, then there is no true stability, no true normal. Friends who’ve known you for a while, help yu grab an anchor, when you feel like your world is changing. And sometimes, even though you’re used to being the anchor, you need someone else to do it for you…funny that sometimes the hardest position t let/get someone to play, is your own. (smh)
Your close friends typically know you very well. When things go amiss, they can be there to figure out what’s normal for you. Impressions, fabrications, impositions aside, they know you. So when one is in the process of rebuilding, and they have friends around, those friends are able to tell when they’re up and when they’re down. Those friends are able to tell when a good time is happening and when a bad one is…(shout out to ‘fiB and the “birthday celebration” of 2009…”What to do until Love finds you” is *still* a good book! rofl).
When you have people in the circle, who don’t share those same feelings, the two row boats begin to drift to their own currents. And it’s fine. But it’s a hard road to walk.
I miss you all. Every stinking (lol) one of you.
But I’m not who I was.
And so I find myself smiling at old pictures. A smile of sad knowing; wishing that I could warn the girl with the big smile. The bright flash of the last picture, the closing of heavy oak doors…the sweeping the final crumbs from the table…the last touch of blush to the cheek…all mean the same thing: that the era is over; and it’s now time to begin again, anew. Wiser and stronger—appreciative and open to a new appearance of an old friend in new places, with my evolved self.
Everyone changes; everyone grows. It’s just that, in those redefining moments; it’s hard to go back and get a do-over for things that happened or didn’t happen. And I’ve been on both sides!
They’re all bitter sweet.