I know that I have lots of things that travel through my mind. Petty things like if my breath smells or if I remembered to put on deodorant. Deep things like what does it mean to be a lady in the 21st century and if needing a person, in true form has been lost by the walls we build to never get hurt, played, or any other negative emotion…
These walls really just keep us in. They don’t really keep the bad stuff out. And I’m all for protection but, who’s really being limited by staying within the walls? Anyone remember the little prince? Yup same concept. Those people were the center of their universe but at what cost? And see, we become preoccupied by the stuff that matter urgently *right then* but has zero lasting power in the future. If you grip water tightly……what are you left with?
That’s how love is. Love is waiting to wash our limitations away. And its not one dimensional. You wash in it…..swim in it……get drowned by it. But that depth comes from an intimate relationship with God. One person cannot possibly give you all that, unless you both are wrapped up first in God.
I know its true because I had walls. Walls that were up for good reason…..after a harrowing experience I alluded to in previous posts…….an experience that happened many many moons ago. Nevertheless, I had walls and bridges and moats with large hungry heart eating alligators in them. I was the queen of my world city…occupants: 1.
No one went in or out the gates. See, out there was pain and destruction. But inside the walls was peace. I thought that was the destination. But it wasn’t. God showed me the craziness that lurked just below my surface. And then the holy spirit began to grab my ear and tug on my heart strings. He wanted to restore me…..show me just how beautiful I could become….but I had to do the very thing I was not willing to do. Let go of my control. Let go of my *will* and my ridiculous attempt to chart my future. He was saying “girlfriend! Work with the kid!” 😉 ty ‘Fi B!
What was I willing to do? Stay where I had peace and a lower level of love or, get a new solution to a problem I wasn’t aware I had? Dear fear……….sometimes that was my night cover. There’s a strange familiarity that walks with those who are paranoid of getting hurt……again. Fear of something that feels so awful is justifiable. So there I sat. Me and my blanket. What to do?
I decided to face the sun. Tears still leaked from my eyes as I took steps. Fell a few times and the climb seemed straight up and endless. But now that I’ve reached the first rest point…..I see, while it *was* bad…..this new depth and beauty is (shakes head) indescribable. I wish you knew it.
It doesn’t care who I was…only keeps showing me who I could be…and will be. Showed me that even when I felt so alone and couldn’t even cry…it watched over me. And even the things I never will tell my mother, don’t matter……because love is patient and kind and is full………and its making me better and better and better…….no matter when I felt deceived or lazy or lax or just blah……it had my back.
And that’s word.