Forgiveness

The road to forgiveness is a rocky one. I read somewhere that the reason people don’t desire to forgive is that they would rather hang onto all the hurt and pain. I challenge that. I think the reason forgiveness is hard, is because there’s so much misunderstanding and mis-communication that happen. And while it’s easy to say, “well, talk it out”; how do you talk it out, when the other side doesn’t seem present (emotionally) to listen? I assert, THAT’S what makes forgiveness hard. As humans, we seek to be understood. We seek to come to places of agreement, but, if, in agreeing I have to throw away all of my feelings…that’s hard to swallow. Forgiveness and apologizing happen when you value the relationship over a position (notice, not who’s right/wrong/strongest). And sometimes that relationship is the one with yourself. You have to let things go, right? (That’s if you’re dealing with someone who is not around — maybe they’re dead, gone, etc. So you have to value your relationship with self, and begin to mend and heal)

I’m just supposing that forgiveness of another person, definitely starts with erasing the triple bond between emotion and yourself….making it more of a single bond or a dotted line, lol. Sometimes we have to acknowledging that, even though you seek to explain your feelings, sometimes there are no words that really show/enlighten a person to how they made you feel. Niche said that the “the greatest experiences in life happen where no word has ever entered.” I believe that is true. Sometimes, people are steeped in hurt or view the world through particular glasses. That makes it difficult for them to understand why you feel a certain way. In situations, it seems like I have a hard time being understood. Many times, while I understand where others are coming from, it’s hard for them to do the same. And to this, I attribute it to them being hurt too. One way you can know if you’re in this situation is, if you start out talking and dealing with something, let’s call it topic A, but end up talking about topic B. That means that your person is probably defending something that, in your mind has zero to do with your feelings on situation A, but they’re hurt; which is why you end up talking about topic B. Your point, although valid, may not be heard/understood. While not fair, sometimes you may have to deal with B, to really get them to understand A. And we all have defense points. We all have things that trigger us to certain responses. In forgiveness, you have to be aware that you might hit some trigger points. One way you can know if you’ve hit a trigger point is, if you say “I feel this way when you do that.” If the person responds with “well I could say the same thing.” (They could talk about how you make them feel; but perhaps they haven’t until you highlighted that you feel a certain way…) No worries, just know that you hit a trigger point and may need to find a different way to approach the situation.

So while forgiveness is about freedom, it’s about understanding the situation and the person to a deeper level than perhaps you initially wanted to go; but that’s apart of the beauty of life. Does it mean the pain ceases? No. It just eases.

Happy living, and, be excellent to one another.
-m.

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